THIS AIN'T DELIVERY

It's PERF PIZZA!

This is legitimately the best pizza recipe ever. It's easier than seeing a Real Housewife at the Ivy - and that place is crawling with them.


Full disclosure, I'm no chef. But I do eat food every day, and make food, and I've never killed anyone with my food, so it must be at least kind of okay.


STUFF YOU PROBABLY ALREADY HAVE
1 tablespoon canola oil
3/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
All the butter


TO BUY
12 ounces refrigerated fresh pizza dough
1/2 large onion, vertically sliced
6 garlic cloves, thinly sliced or you can leave them whole like I did
1 28.5-ounce can no-salt-added whole tomatoes, drained and coarsely chopped
2 tablespoons chopped fresh oregano
4 ounces fresh mozzarella cheese, torn into bite-sized pieces
1/2 a cup of Parmesan cheese, finely grated
8 mushrooms, sliced


LET'S DO THE DAMN THING

Leave the dough out for about 30 minutes before you want to start cooking.

Put a heavy baking sheet in the oven, and set preheat to 500 degrees.

In a large skillet over medium heat, melt about 1 teaspoon of oil and half a tablespoon of butter. Swirl it around when it gets good and melted, and add the onion. Cook until soft and a little brown around the edges - don't be afraid to stir. In fact, stirring is encouraged. Actually, definitely stir.

Take the onion out and place aside. Add some more butter or oil if the pan's getting a little dry - you will learn quickly that my solution to everything is MORE BUTTER. It's not a bad way to live.

Sup bitches.

Anyways! After you've Julia Child'ed the pan and gotten your next phase of butter/oil heated, add mushrooms, salt and pepper to taste. Cook until brown and delicious-looking.

See, brown and delicious.

Take the mushrooms out, place aside. Again, make sure your pan isn't too dry by adding butter or oil (or nothing if it looks okay) and add garlic, cook until barely browned at the edges. Now add tomatoes, half your oregano, salt and pepper to taste. Cook for about 4 minutes, or until most of the liquid has evaporated. Stir this mother like your life depends on it.

Stir me, baby.

Crust time! Roll out your dough on a floured surface, preferably with a rolling pin but a wine bottle will do in a pinch. Try for a 13-14 inch circle, but if it comes out a little oblong I won't judge you for it. Pierce surface of dough liberally with a fork, take out your really hot baking sheet and put the dough on it. Add your tomato sauce and spread over the dough, leaving a 1/2 inch border for the crust. Put your onion, mushrooms, oregano and cheeses on top and place in the oven.

Probably more than four ounces of mozz in there but WHATEVS.

Bake for 12 minutes or until the crust is golden brown and the cheese has a slight tan. Cut into a million pieces and eat it all yourself while you binge watch Bob's Burgers on Netflix. At the same time, take a well-staged picture with the second best magazine in the world and a glass of wine and caption it "I'M BETTER THAN YOU" because you are. You have Perf Pizza, and they don't.

Bianca Balti eats exclusively Perf Pizza.

Adapted from a recipe by Cooking Light. The adaption part is: I added a shit ton of butter. You're welcome.